How To Make Him Addicted To You
Independence Is Key
The number one thing that I learned from my own relationships and speaking to male counterparts was “independence is key”
We all go through the “honeymoon” phase where anything flies. But when things start to settle and the “adjustment” phase starts, things your partner once found cute now make him want to punch walls, that hair on the bathroom floor is now a BIG deal and you can forget about “I like it when you don’t wear makeup”. Men are instinctive creatures, and when the woman who had her life together her puts it all on hold to spend every waking minute with him…well things start to crumble.
A specific example of this is one of my close friends, [for anonymity we will call him Martin]. Martin met a girl online (she is a small-time Instagram influencer)and they have been dating for the past year, he recently revealed they don’t have much in common but he just wants someone ‘there’ for now.
When I asked why he doesn’t see it as a long term thing, he mentioned she has zero confidence when it comes to the real world and that the conversations don’t go very far. I asked if confidence is important to him and he said it was probably the most important thing in a partner, specifically “confidence and a woman who is intelligent”. It made total sense why the relationship wasn’t what he pictured, this girl had all the confidence behind a screen but couldn’t hide from real world anxiety and well…emotions.
This conversation made me reflect on my own life when I was cheated on and I can, openly admit that it was my own fault. I lost myself as a woman — everything that made me uniquely me, my confidence, my hobbies, my independence and quirky sense of humour was all given up to spend 24hrs 7 days a week with this guy. I became suffocating. But was it really my fault? It was my first proper relationship and everything was new for me, he should have expected me to get comfortable? Wrong. Even new gets old, and when you’re getting old at the rate I did, it is hard to even think about dating my old self.
Let’s take a look at some of the things I did. For starters, I stopped shaving my legs for weeks at a time, terminated my gym membership, rarely tamed my frizzy hagrid hair, developed cellulite, didn’t go to uni or even work more than 9 hours a week, had no female friends, never went out and anywhere he went I went. I was a total mess. Some may say a stage 5 clinger (which wouldn’t be far from the truth), but boy am I thankful for being one of those people who learns from their mistakes.
Looking back on this chapter of my life, i’m surprised he lasted as long as he did (I sure as hell wouldn’t have!). So here is what you’re going to do to remain №1 in his life. Make sure you take notes. Now.
The Step By Step Guide
Step #1 — Don’t get comfortable. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT move in with him until he asks you to marry him. By giving him wife benefits before he has committed to you, you’re setting yourself up to be thrown in the bin after he’s had a few good years of his own personal cook, cleaner, therapist and sex doll. The best part? It’s a text message instead of a court order.
Step #2 — Do not be his calling card. Make yourself unavailable 2 out of the 4 time he asks to catch up. Choose to spend the time with your girlfriends and if you don’t have girlfriends go out and make some. I’m not kidding, go and start talking to women in the local community, start a pilates class or join a book club. Make yourself busy and don’t pick up his calls every time. Don’t even reply to his texts (yes, playing hard to get is a real thing and it works every time), no man is interested in a woman who is easily available..well not when looking for a long term partner. Men love to chase, it’s biological. He needs to be chasing forever and you can achieve this by being completely unavailable.
Step #3 — Set your goals and work on them alone. He will want to know all about your life, your career, where you see yourself in 15 years, what type of car you drive and if you’re close to your dad. You get the idea. This is normal when you’re getting to know each other. What’s not normal is letting him get between your goals. This is where he looks but never touches. Letting him get in between you and your career or goals is not an option. Not because he’s going to steal your ideas, but because you don’t want to fall in the trap of putting him first over your own life. So many women get caught in this trap, only to find themselves jobless, moving back in with their cousins creepy IT mate and wondering where it all went wrong after getting D.U.M.P.E.D. If you catch yourself spending more time with him than on work, start scheduling work blocks for yourself in your diary solely dedicated to yourself. This is your time and there will be no exceptions.
Step #4 — Don’t live in your head. It’s easy to fantasise about when you’ll get married, how many kids you’ll have, what kind of hair colour they’ll have and even the furnishings you’ll have around the house you buy together. Don’t do it. As far as you’re concerned, this isn’t an option until YOU are ready. You read that right, I said “YOU” not “YOU’RE”, he plays no part. Creating false ideas in your head is the first step to getting disappointed and making yourself more dependant on “his” lifestyle. You need to detach yourself from that imagination. As women, we tend to be more prone to emotional disappointment and as a way of fixing it, we give even more energy to the person who disappointed us in the hope they will change, don’t bother.
Step #5 — See you later. That’s going to be your attitude when he does the wrong thing by you. When a man does something that goes against your expectations and standards in a relationship it is his job to explain himself honestly. If you don’t like what you’re hearing or he refuses to do this, leave. No questions asked, just leave. Choosing to let him get away with things you’re not ok with makes him lose respect for you at a rapid rate and he will continue to do it, maybe not right away, but if the opportunity arises again, you can be sure he will do it again. You see the thing is, in his mind, if he can get away with this he can get away with anything because you’ll always come back. Do not let yourself get into this cycle, it never ends in your favour and get’s increasingly worse over time because, as humans, we are wired to push boundaries and get off on it too. Think about serial killers, their crimes tend to get worse with each consecutive victim, because they know they are getting away with it. However, this is not a serial killer thing, it’s just the way our human brains are wired. To push boundaries.
The Final Step #7 —Keeping Up Appearances. It doesn’t matter if you have been in a relationship for 3 days or 3 decades, hygiene and appearance is everything. Make sure you are getting your hair done regularly, nails are always well manicured and you never miss a laser appointment. The reason being, men might tell you they like you “el natural” but in reality they still want a queen by their side that they can admire and show off. In fact, the only time you should be going “el natural” is first thing in the morning and the last thing at night. Outside of this small window, your clothes should be clean, makeup on and don’t even think about farting or burping around him. In his eye’s you need to be the hygienic angel sent from god that he saw the first time you met. Don’t let yourself go, otherwise he will.
That’s all for now. Over and out.
